Looking Inside: Fidelity


Today I'm going to look into an older piece of mine called "Fidelity". This one is a personal favorite of mine, and I honestly feel as if I've been trying to recapture it's essence ever since I put down the last brush stroke on it.

Throughout my romantic life I've struggled with a fear of missing out. I've always been plagued by the thought that there's someone out there I haven't met yet, someone who could fulfill me, someone who could make me a little bit more happy - which came much to the detriment of the people I may have been involved with at the time. I had a naive and flawed view of relationships, looking at women more as opportunities than real people, which prevented me from taking my relationships with them as seriously as I probably should have. This mindset put me in a condition of constant wandering eyes, even when I was committed to someone. I couldn't help but always wonder what another girl could offer me that whomever I was seeing couldn't.

This is obviously an idiotic way to think about things. I put the blinders on and blocked out any ability to appreciate what I had at the time, instead focusing on what I didn't. I idealized the women I wasn't with, and soured on who I was with, descending into a headspace of dissatisfaction and contempt. This would eventually lead to me breaking up with them, leaving them wondering what they had done wrong, when their only "mistake" was not being everyone else. This became a cycle, and with each turn I spiraled further and further into self loathing. It wasn't them, I thought, it was me - I'm the one who is incomplete. But rather than fix myself, I reveled in it, ran with it, and dove deeper into what made me hate myself in the first place - which I will discuss in more depth in my next post about "Force Majeure".

Fidelity is a representation of my flawed idealization of the women outside of my relationship, and at the same time a reflection of what I didn't see in the partners I had as well. I've reflected on this part of my life a lot since then, and I think I've changed how I think about these things for the better (which I will also get into in my next post, and the one after that). Currently, I'm in a relationship with someone who I value a lot, and I can only thank art for allowing me to process my flaws and grow to be someone who is able to be committed to someone like this. My art sometimes serves as a mirror, reflecting back at me the evil inside myself, allowing me to see it for the first time. This piece in particular was the first step in healing this culturally and self inflicted wound that is the male perception of women. Thank you for reading, new post tomorrow.