Today our film production company (Stray Dog Productions) sent out a casting call for the short we're working on, tentatively titled "I Need You". I'm really excited to get started on this, and if things go as planned we're only a few weeks away from shooting. I'm a little scared, because this is my first time really working on a film from start to finish (or at least one that's actually gone through a professional process), and I just hope it will be as good as it sounds in my head.
Another scary thing about making something like this is the commitment. We'll spend a couple weeks start to finish making this happen, whereas I'm used to making paintings which I usually finish in a week or less. Since the turnover on a painting is so quick, I can throw one out into the world, and if people don't like it, I can just make another one. But if people don't like the movie, I don't think it will be so easy to brush off. I guess that's all the more incentive to throw everything we've got at it and make something we're proud of.
I feel like on this blog I've talked a lot about my fears and insecurities, but I feel like it would be disingenuous to just talk myself up on here. People I'm close to have told me I can come across a bit egotistical, which only makes me wonder where that comes from and why I act that way. It probably stems from some sort of compensation for my insecurities, because although I like to imagine myself as some sort of "intellectual", I think that same quality leads to me overanalyzing and nitpicking myself. I feel pretentious even using the word "intellectual" to describe myself, a nice example of what I'm describing I guess, haha. Yet, I believe the nitpicking also leads me down a never ending search for some higher version of myself, one that I don't have to tear down every day.
The ego act works for me I guess, living life on the "fake it til you make it" mantra. Only downside being that faking perfect often leads to me letting myself down when I falter. But I guess chipping away at the ugly parts of myself will only bring me closer to that more perfect self, but how deep can you chip before you start cutting through the core?
Anyways. Things are generally going well right now. I'm making less dumb mistakes today than I made yesterday! Just gotta keep that up, right?
You should check out the song "The Battle Is Over" by Jenny Hval. It's something you could dance to while performing a blood sacrifice, if get down with that.